I feel too much. I empathize too easily and so all these feelings are weighing in on me and I shut down. I am invariably numb to most things. The “don’t care” attitude is a by-product of being over processed by other peoples’ emotions, opinions, and trying to be put down. Once you stop caring, they can’t hurt you.
You can only hurt yourself. I figured that out in therapy. Or maybe I was in a library, I don’t really remember. But all of these emotions run through and me and they tear up my insides, cause my blood to boil, and make me want to skin myself alive.
It’s not that I’m never happy, it’s just something always ruins it. I just pay too much attention. “The worst part about being a wallflower is noticing little things. Especially for you because you fall in love with every pretty or interesting thing you see. And when something doesn’t pan out like you thought, it breaks your heart.”
My therapist is never wrong and honestly, he’s a genius. Everything breaks my heart. Seeing people holding hands when I can’t do that, watching reality t.v. about toddlers in beauty pageants, seeing people angry at each other. It all makes me angry at the world. Anger and sadness go hand in hand. They’re all by each others sides. If I was JUST angry or if I was JUST sad, I could handle it. But no, I am both and sometimes they mix with a sliver of hope and it’s like a speeding train. The hope makes me oblivious to the danger and I just keep walking that dark track, actually smiling. But when I look up and see the light of the train, I can’t get away fast enough.
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