Obviously, my mask has some cracks. The generic wear and tear of never being able to be yourself. I feel like I say this all the time but everyone thinks I’m joking.
I am not allowed to be sad, depressed, upset, woeful, or despondent.
Because I have made my niche as that “funny girl who’s always happy, she just has a dry sense of humor, she’s so sweet” and I fucked myself over with that.
I am not allowed to sit down one day and not speak and sulk about something that happened to me because I have to bear the grunt of all my friends’ emotions.
“Hey, I need advice.” “Can you help me?” “I’m in love and I don’t know what to do.” “How do I talk to this guy?” “I’m so upset, please cheer me up.”
When do I get to be sad? I have to take up the emotional slack for all these people because they think I have so much happiness inside that I dish out like a bank.
Well truth be told, I’m in debt and it’s going to take a lifetime to pay back. So until then, I have to fix my mask, not let anyone see things get to me.
They almost saw things get to me tonight. I almost started crying in public, and I just can’t let that happen. I have seen most of my friends cry and they have heard about me crying. And the way I say it usually implies a joking edge. I feel like because I’ve built up this persona I’m not allowed to really have as wide a range of emotions as everyone else. I can rant, and I can be happy, and I say I like someone and be excited. That’s all. God forbid I actually let something that’s affecting me register on my face.
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expectorated reblogged this from armedforbattle
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