February 2012
1 post
6290.
I haven’t written in so long. I feel like a rude bastard because of that. Anyway. I have this minora/majora/super/slight/immense/miniscule crush on this boy who is two years younger than I am. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me these days. I don’t think I really actually like him. I think I’m subconsciously projecting my feelings for my ex of the same name onto him...
December 2011
1 post
1224.
I don’t write about break ups. I could say that but I’d be lying to you. However, I definitely don’t write about new love. Truly new, not friend-love turned love-love turned fuck-you. I can safely say this a truly different. I didn’t meet a boy, a boy found me. He accepted me, took me in, appreciated what was already there. The Boy Who Found Me is a very different character...
November 2011
2 posts
9876.
I can’t do anything in this body. I can’t send risque pictures to my boyfriend, I can’t wear skimpy clothes, I can barely feel my ribs. I am trapped in this flesh cage. This body doesn’t deserve food. This body used to weight 100 pounds. I am so close. 28 pounds away. I’m going to lose a solid 30 in the next two months. I want to be perfect again. I’m tired of...
143.
I can say ‘I love you’ and mean it. I can mean it that way. The way we all want to say it and the way we all want to hear it. I get to hear it every day. And not just in it’s normal ‘I love you’ form. Sometimes it’s deeper, sometimes it’s childish. It’s still what we all crave to hear. It sounds like a line from a movie, and I’m sure somewhere...
October 2011
4 posts
Five.
I feel too much. I empathize too easily and so all these feelings are weighing in on me and I shut down. I am invariably numb to most things. The “don’t care” attitude is a by-product of being over processed by other peoples’ emotions, opinions, and trying to be put down. Once you stop caring, they can’t hurt you. You can only hurt yourself. I figured that out in...
480.
Obviously, my mask has some cracks. The generic wear and tear of never being able to be yourself. I feel like I say this all the time but everyone thinks I’m joking.
I am not allowed to be sad, depressed, upset, woeful, or despondent.
Because I have made my niche as that “funny girl who’s always happy, she just has a dry sense of humor, she’s so sweet” and I fucked...
1274.
I hate talking. I never think when I speak. Not even once. My mind turns into a corn crop during the dustbowl and it’s blank. I just hate the way my voice sounds. But I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk. Because silence is too much. I can’t stand it and it tells all my secrets when it’s around.
You like talking. You always seem so put together when you speak and...
1520.
I’m tired of getting faked out by people who can’t decide what the hell they want. I’m sorry that a make out session means something to me. Excuse me for believing in basic human decency and actually trusting people. They don’t even know they hurt me. And they never will because honestly it doesn’t bother me, I’ll get over it. But it makes me think that I should...
June 2011
1 post
Writer's Block.
So I have writer’s block and I want to tell you so much. I want to write for you. I want to write something beautiful you’ll never read. I want to tell you how much you mean to me and how I want to hold you while we’re in between your sheets. I want to tell you how beautiful your eyes are and call you a fool for loving me. I want to get in your car and drive for miles. So I have...
May 2011
8 posts
3487.
Your lips and how they close around mine. Your hands and how they find the small of my back. Your nails and how they dig into my skin just enough. Your teeth and how they bite without any traces. Your arms and how they wrap around me tightly. Your voice and how it’s scratchy and sleepy sounding, always. Your driving skills and the word ‘reckless’ are synonyms. Your TOMs and their...
4829.
The planet rotates meaning what goes around comes around. What ends will start again eventually even if in a different form. You will always date the same people. Watch the same shows. Wear the same clothes. If you always wanted to die you’ll eventually start to live and living too much will be the demise of the opposite of youth. In old age we don’t think these things. We don’t...
God Damn.
How bright is the sun? No where near you, I can vouch. How deep is the ocean? It can’t compare to your brainwaves. You are the Alpha. The never-end. The juggernaut pounding at my heart for entry. Goddamn it I can’t refuse you. No matter how bad. You’re taking the time out of me. The time for me to try and move is now. You’re just asleep. I’m running.
“Where will you go? Have you anyone but us?...
Jackie Vs. The Infinite Sadness.
From one strange person to the next, let me tell you a secret.
Keep your mind open and your chest locked. I’ll tell you, I have this, gift, if you will. I can feel how much sadness exists in the human heart. That’s the next thing, fuck everyone who’s ever told you depression stems from the brain. From a ‘chemical imbalance’. It comes from the core of your heart. That’s why you need to keep your...
Humans Are Instruments.
I held your body close from between your legs As we prepared to conduct an orchestra under the blankets of my bed I turned your ears left and right as if they were tuning pegs I strummed my fingers across your pelvis and passed your undergarment threads
Are you a brass or wind because my lungs need a deep breath Are you percussion or acoustic because this is only a 5 song set
With desperate...
1039.
It’s the feeling of emptiness. You have to adjust to living a new way. It’s weird, colder. The feeling of warmth being ripped from you, abortion. You’ll miss it for a while but you’ll get over it. You’ll wonder what you did wrong and try to run the scenario in your head. Over and over. Broken record, corrupted mp3 file. You’ll want him back and you’ll joke...
Why The World is Attracted to Junkies
Josh was showing me his t-shirt collection and we were watching an 80s movie on skateboarding in the background with the sound off and somehow we got onto his theory of asexuality and the junkie.
Dude…
What?
Well, when you become a junkie the drug basically becomes your sex. Think of all the great junkies and think about how they became asexual when drugs became the number one thing in...
Crowd Pleaser.
“Well I’ve always said dancing is a cure all!”
And you always did. Then you sauntered off towards that hardwood floor with all the people and all the lights. I turned to the bar. I ordered two gin and tonics - sans tonic. I sat there with my drink, thinking of you. That attitude, those looks, that energy. How did it all fit inside one small girl? You weren’t always so...
April 2011
10 posts
You were asleep and that last thing I wanted was to wake you. Because I know how it feels to be tired. You’re so cute when you’re tired. I’m not tired anyway, I’m haggard. You’re probably dreaming of me and have a tiny, sleepy smile on your face. I can see it perfectly. You’ll wake up with your hair all mussed and text me something romantic. I’ll smile and...
Weekday Warriors.
Rotten rich flourscent adolescents Guts rumbling, reaching for new feeling Disregard all teachers, fear no one You’re a Weekday Warrior
In the dark we heard Pudge whisper “This plan can’t happen with out you.” When that happened, trust me, we all knew That he couldn’t go on without you
Dorm rooms full of adolescent sweat Bunk beds by world maps Faux coffee tables Just enough to call it home
...
Pixar Romance.
You be Kitty, I’ll be Boo. I really hope my love doesn’t scare you. However if it does, just harvest the screams, and I’ll continue to see you in my dreams.
“Too much brain activity could cramp your style,...
I was born early so I'll die young. And I'll die...
We Miss You, We Really Do.
You were so fun before all the drugs. Now you have needs to satisfy and new friends, but we miss you. I mean, they’re nice and have that edgy attitude you love and treat you well but why can’t you hangout with us anymore? You introduced them to everybody. They even went to breakfast with us once. I guess maybe we talked about August a little too long. They hadn’t really gotten to know you yet,...
12:47
I was already there. Faking happiness, dancing to songs sadder than the look on a child’s face when they break a new toy. You arrived, decked out in Alamo hat, displaying proper Texan pride. I left, came back, you were gone. You had broken down in a matter of minutes. I tried to call you. No answer. Straight to voicemail. I decided against leaving one. I texted you. No reply. I slipped my phone...
840.
I’m looking for my friends. The people I keep saying ‘hi’ to are not my friends. I’m not sure where to put my hands as I stand here. I need a prop and a purpose. Where are my friends? The people I keep saying ‘hi’ to are not my friends.
5734.
I want to move to a nice, big apartment in a nice city. With a very beautiful view. I want to paint my walls myself and decorate everything with second-hand and eccentric pieces. I want to have a type writer and many cameras. I want to be able to wake up and breathe in and feel everything. I want to make myself coffee while hearing the news from the next room. I want to sit down and write for...
Morning Supernova.
You should have been sleeping three hours ago. But you’re drunk and in love. Your ears are ringing and it’s turning into morning so you call him as the sun comes up. Your voice is broken from yelling so you whisper now. He’s been sleeping and you woke him up, but you can hear the smile resting on his mouth. There is no better partying than the partying you do when you’re satisfied, when you ain’t...